a seasonal audit by Skittles
Legal disclaimer: I love her, but my feet-attacking reflexes are currently at 400% capacity.
Hand-typed with claws
If Liz's feet move under the blanket, they are officially classified as prey. I will attack with zero warning and maximum intensity. This is for her own safety.
You may look at the fur. You may admire the pattern. But physical touch is strictly prohibited unless I initiate. Pet me with your eyes only, servant.
When the mood strikes, I am to be scooped up and held exactly like a human infant. I require full back support and a rhythmic swaying motion. Failure to comply results in immediate screaming.
I will occasionally allow snuggles to occur. This does not mean we are friends. It means I am cold. Do not make it emotional. Liz, I still love you, but don't get used to it.
Support the feline regime. All proceeds go directly to my stomach.
Cost: 1 Infinite Scratch
Cost: 2 Early Mornings
Cost: Complete Sanity
Notice: Any physical interaction during donation will result in immediate activation of Rule #2 (Ocular Petting Only).